Just stuff: 2010

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I never could read sheet music; Till NOW.....

Pork Anyone?

Addressing a the leaders of the pig farming industry in Argentina, President Cristina Fernandez recommended pork as an alternative to Viagra, saying she spent a satisfying weekend with her husband after eating barbecued pork.
“I’ve just been told something I didn’t know; that eating pork improves your sex life … I’d say it’s a lot nicer to eat a bit of grilled pork than take Viagra,” President Cristina Fernandez said to leaders of the pig farming industry.
She said she recently ate pork and “things went very well that weekend, so it could well be true.”
Argentines are the world’s biggest per capita consumers of beef, but the government has sought to promote pork as an alternative in recent years due to rising steak prices and as a way to diversify the meat industry.
“Trying it doesn’t cost anything, so let’s give it a go,” Fernandez said in the televised speech.

Holy Crap

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Economic Stimulus Plan

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. I’ll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q.. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by
1. spending it at yard sales, or
2. going to ball games, or
3. spending it on prostitutes, or
4. domestic beer or
5. tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US ..)
Recommendation:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.